New start

This is what I've been thinking today; I can battle through this. I can go to college and get the grades I want. Everything would be great. But i wouldn't be happy. I can't cope like this. I know that a distraction would be good for me and I really want to give it my best shot. Theres just this horrible demeaning voice in my head screaming I'm going to fail; before long I will realise that I don't belong in this world. I'll never be good enough.

Tomorrow evening I am going to meet a Dr at the college to see if I am eligable for the course. I shouldn't be allowed to take biology there, apparently they don't take on 16 year old external students. However I was told that I have a unique situation and they might make an exception if i sell my case well enough. Now hold on a minute- "sell myself" is prehaps the thing that I'm the worst at. I don't like to "lie" or big myself up to sound better than I am. In fact I usually put myself down in these situations. I just can't stand dissapointment. If I told them that I would put my all into this course and it was crutial for me to study it for my further education. If i told them I was going to work my damned hardest and acheive the best i can, then what if I fail ? What if I let them down ? I really can't stand that. I can't even stand the thought of it. But the problem is that I always think the worst, so then I'm always pleasantly surprised and not dissapointed. I tell myself I'm going to fail and it's really not a good thing to do; it makes life pointless. I need to tell myself I can succeed, I can and will do anything I aspire to do.


I'm fed up of living a life full of hatred. I'm costantly looking for a reason to leave, and it could really break me if things carry on this way with no direction.

There are so many people out there who don't have a choice, they live their life that way because god didn't give them the gift of free will. I have never seen myself as ill as it's so hard to do so when it feels like I control the illness. When in fact some days i really want a break from it, but I can't stop. Theres so many demons inside my mind that will not give up. I will not give up, it's a long hard battle I'm looking at but i refuse to be perceived  as somebody who will give in.

It's funny how I see myself as a fighter with this battle, but the only person i would ever be willing to fight with is myself; I could never hurt anybody but myself.

Oh, and by the way, today has been an ultimate fail. I definately lost todays battle, and it's showing. I'm getting uglier by the second. I will try again tomorrow. That's all I can do- I think.

welcome to my life

Once again I cannot sleep. I hate the thought of getting up in the morning; waking up to find that this is the life I'm living. Don't get me wrong- I have an okay life; I have a nice supportive family, I have friends that will be there when I need/ want them, we're not broke, I'm talented and gifted in many ways. So why do I throw it all away? Why do I put myself through so much pain everyday to avoid the life I could have?


I feel weak within my body. I know that I'm not taking good care of my health,  but I'm not ready to give in, i have fight within my mind, and muscles ready to power through. I want to go running through the wind; feel the freedom. Free my mind, body and soul. The only thing that's stopping me from doing anything is myself. It feels so scary to know that I am the one in control of my life from here on out. How did time go so quickly? One minute I don't get a look in on what clothes i wear for the day, then the next I get to decide what I do for my career path.... Slow the fuck down.


Life is moving constantly and nobody gets a god damn break.